//caught in your grace//

I'm sorry to all the trees that were killed as a result of my mass printing of FY reports so that I can take them along to AUG with me. By sixthirty.am this morning, I was nearly toying with suicidal thoughts! Seriously, I was just immensely jaded from analysing strategic alliances and corporate strategies. This assignment is totally unrealistic! I mean, with the given short period of time, we've to analyse the past fifty years of industry slash corporate reports of each of the individual players in the industry, how can? Thankfully the industry I've chosen has only two major players (JAL & ANA) which is already making me veryverygrumpy, no thanks to information-overloaded. (I have an innate tendency to over-research which is not good but I'm just not easily convinced.)

By the time I (WILL) complete my airlines industry analysis report, I will be an expert in strategic alliances itellyou, yup. Its six.pm now, I've not even packed my bags for AUG! Fortunately I get to stayover at mel jie's place in CS tonight after dinnerandboardgaming with my gang of Ol'friends, yay, this is like my sole breather this week! I couldn't even afford laserquesting with LG this morning! ): I'm grateful for CS's (albeit overpriced) skybus service that would take me to the airport tomorrow morning which would save aGREATlot of hassle for a already very grumpy me! Thankfully I've got friends like myfavouriteLGgirlfriend and thewongbrothers who offered me some midnight teandsympathy, how blessed! Above all, I'm most thankful that I'm a childofGod, otherwise life is really just a meaningless and purposeless plain canvas with not even a smear of paint on it.

And so I can and WILL still sing,
everyday with you Lord, sweeter than the day before (:

SeeYouInAWeek'sTime!!!

Seriously, I think I'm going to die..! Gripegripegripe.

30 hours before I madrush to the airport but my threetraumatisingthousand words industry report is in a supersadstate! And I've to show up for training in 12 hours time! So I'm just frantically trying to print out all the journal articles I need for my analysis so that I can read them while I'm in Adelaide (AS IF! ha ha but I MUST!) thats why I'm taking different flights from the rest so I'll have some me-time to do my work!! I might just bring my laptop, I sound like a nerd -- but I am! I'm really only going for AUG this year in case if any one of my girls gets injured so I will drag myself onto the court to play (and of course to drink with mydearLMA!) Truth is, I already have too much fun and stuff going on in my life on a daily basis and thus not able to afford the fun of AUG. Moreover, as much as I know that AUG is good for the CV (so I will always encourage theyoungones to go for it while I'm already an AUG-veteran hurhur) but the "extra-curricula activities" section on my CV is already veryverycramp so there is no more space to fit another AUG in anyway! Besides, I'm super-retired from competitive badminton!

ooooohwell. Self-pity is not going to get me anywhere, getUPgirl! But I'm hungry!

)))))))))))))))))))))))):

I like late-night smses and emails because it tells me youthinkofme,
even when I (in times like this) forget to.

Interning at PDI is definitely one of the highlights of my already very wonderful year! There is so much training and development opportunities, I don't feel like I'm an intern sometimes! We were trained to inteprete the personality inventories results last week which is quintessential knowledge if we want to be signed on as Report Writers upon 'graduation' from the intern program! One of our consultants, Leanne, has also offered to give us a complimentary careers counselling and development (one-to-one) sessions spread over 3 weeks! Its really good timing because I'm definitely at a stage where I'd have to start DECIDING where to head towards and be focussed! I did a career planning assessment this week which FORCED me to sit down and list the 10 careers I have my eyes on, I will list my top 5 which is really whats most relevant to the entire assessment -

1. Management Consultant (Mckinsey or BCG *praypraypray!*)
2. Personnel Consultant (GIC? StandardChartered?)
3. Foreign Correspondent (ChannelNewsAsia?)
4. Sports Performance Analyst (Tricky one!)
5. University Lecturer (Anywhere!!)

Its very exciting seeing the amount of opportunities my humble Arts degree has opened me to! I would love to pick up Japanese, Indonesian and Thai properly before I graduate in July 2008. I think, I'm very thankful for the fact that Singapore's education system has forced us to be bilingual in both English and Mandarin (not to say everyone is successful, but at least we try) because you really don't know how valuable being well-versed in these two languages are, until you are ay MY age and suddenly realising how much more "value" is added to you (in terms of one's career) by the virtue of fact that it is veryveryNOTeasy mastering both English and Mandarin if you've not done so since young. And I tell you a secret! My Mandarin is actually better than my English *horrorsofhorrors* ha ha ha I scored A1 for my Chinese O Levels and only A2 for my English! And yeah, I did HigherChinese for 6 years too, whoops! Man..In about a year's time, I will be applying for jobs, veryscarey! But I believe as long as one bases his/her career choice ON the desire to remain IN the will of God, there is really very little to worry about. Quadruple 'C' - ChristCenteredCareerChoice! Such is the beauty of being a child of God (:

Maybe, modern women need a cheat sheet to remind them that Romance is not dead.

Are we simply romantically-challenged? Do we (always) need drama to make relationships work?

If you really want to get married, you should stop spending time with functional single women.

!!!

*hyperventilates*

Suddenly I find myself (once again) feeling eternally grateful to Singapore's education system!

I've searched for hours before I found the JamesBlunt's version of FallAtYourFeet! (((: Though I think the CrowdedHouse's version adds more zest to the song but if you know me, its all about the accent! Ha ha. When I go to Europe next year, I must definitely catch JamesBlunt (British!), DamienRice (Irish!) and MichaelBuble (German!) in their European tours live (!!) and faint at the very minute they open their mouths! But then if I faint, I will miss the rest of their performance!

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
I fall at your feet.

A guy that would fall at your feet *wistfulgrin*

Not in a submissive way la! But the 'I think you are the prettiest one there' (I quote the husbands in 'FriendsWithMoney' saying to their wives after a social gathering!) not in a sweettalk way either but rather, honest flattery from the mouth of the man smitten by the divine and timeless beauty of a woman (:

I caught Flight93 at Nova myself on sevenfiftymonday (yum!!) and I liked it even though most of my friends have given otherwise opinions. You know how extremists slash terrorists are stoned because of their mindless destruction of mankind but I think also, to be totally objective, it is only considered mindlessly cruel to us because we don't share their beliefs. Whilst I disagree wholeheartedly with their beliefs and what was done, I feel equally sorry for them because if we look through their eyes, they are nothing short of being brainwashed by believing that whattheyhavedone was for a noble cause in the name of their obedience to Allah. It is not even a matter of character but of the mantra they hold firm. Actions are not always driven by character but by motives slash beliefs. One thing I like about studying psych is that it teaches one to always examine the underlying motives and values behind every action or behavior. It is more important to deal with the (drive behind the) act and not (just) the actor.

In this light then, the pursuit of peace is effectively unattainable by way of (more) war because it will serve to reinforce their belief that the world is ugly and meaningless (and fundamentally why they have turned to religion is because almost all religion provides a meaning to one's existence because rather than believing in the bigbangtheory, one believes that there is a God who created them and for a specific purpose). Peace by destruction is almost a paradox. Karma is a fallacy in itself - imagine, if you believe in karma, you are believing that someone who has done injustice to you will receive retribution but have you ever considered that having the (bad) thought of someone receiving retribution is just as worthy of you yourself receiving bad karma? And it all ends up being a vicious cycle that resolves absolutely nothing!

The study of modern history and politics will tell you, in only about a decade and a bit, Rwanda is breaking through from the bondages of the 1994 genocide. Rwanda is today (unusually) peaceful with rapid developments and has even become a popular tourist destination. Not that the people don't suffer the remnants of the genocide, they do. But vis-a-vis the situation in Cambodia which is still very slowly recovering from the 70s genocide, Rwanda is definitely healing at an expotential rate in comparison. As RebeccaStJames put it aptly, "The reason why there is so much healing in Rwanda in such a short period of time is because of the power of forgiveness". Paul Kagame is the man who took Rwanda out of the genocide and he is the current president of Rwanda who unleashed an official national policy of "no revenge" which forbids relatives of genocide victims from retaliating and fighting back. As testified, there is much Hope for Rwanda because they have chosen forgiveness over revenge.

There is power in forgiveness; it is the epitome of letting go and moving on. Let's face it, one can never successfully and entirely move on without first letting go. But it is almost not in humanity to let go and forgive (and the act of forgetting doesn't count). Another important difference between Christianity and other religions that has left me (and still am) intrigued by Christianity is to learn that the foundation slash core teaching of Christianity is about Forgiveness which is the direct demonstration of God's love. Why do we need to be forgiven, you ask. Maybe you have never been a hypocrite or have never hurt anyone OR maybe you have never been hurt or left unappreciated - and the sad human tendency to believe in karma often leads a person reacting to the latter with the former - if you have then you will know what I'm talking about forgiveness and to forgive but if you haven't, just keep in mind that Forgiveness has the power to free you from all the yuckfeelings that stops you short from letting go and moving on, someday it will all make sense to you because the world is fallen and people are fallible (:

I was taught in my Org psych lecture that a job like waitressing decreases one's mortality and I tell you, its TRUE! Waitressing leaves you feeling absolutely insignificant and of negative value to the world because 1. you get bossed around by people slash customers you don't even know and 2. you get screamed at for things that are beyond your control ie. why is my food taking so long to arrive? High Job Demands, Low Job Autonomy. If not for my God-sent employers, jan will be a verygrumpygirl after every warzone lunch shift! It accentuates during the battle with deadlines, I mean, datelines period. Like today, I was totally flatout at work so when a table called for me to get the bill, I unintentionally heaved a very loud sigh that the lady at that table started apologising profusingly to me! Whoops! (And I still got $12.50 worth of tips today!)

At the height of datelines when uniwork consumed my peabrain, I'm often screaming inside my head at work 'why do I need to work - and my friends don't have to - only because I'm responsible for my own living expenses while others have their F&Mscholarship! ohmepoorthing, hear me roarrr!' Ha ha. And I lost count of the number of times I've missed the five.pm submission time because I was trapped at war in the cafe! It was not only until last semester, did I overcome my eleventhourness and submitted my essays a day earlier to avoid needing to rush off to uni after work to slide my papers in the essaychute in time! I love my cafe slash my job enough to point fingers only at my own incompetency. But with God's Grace, I've been able to escape the ugly consequences of late-penalty ie. I've always scored just enough to afford the deductions and still sit in the same grade albeit precariously so! (If H2A is 75, I will always get 77 and then minus 2 for lateness and still awarded a H2A grade!)

Peko is like family to me, I was telling Jack today that when I leave Melbourne, I will always feel more blessed working for them than they'd feel about having me. I will miss my managers and the girls when we eventually all go our own ways. Such is life, but I'm glad they've left footprints and deep enough ones in my life (:

Where do I start? Hummmm.

After a terribly frustrating week, it ended on a high (albeit losing my very sentimental pen + Liverpool's undeserving lost to Chelsea, grrr!) with a fulltank of spiritual nourishment from YAcamp! Veryveryfed! The camp committee was amazing! To me, it definitely appears that they've got every small detail covered and everything ran very smoothly -- with a high standard too! From Rach's intricate vintage-style name tags to Beth's games which were the best camp games I've had since Deb's at LTC retreat 2 years ago! The facilitators were top-notch! I like Veronica very much, she is veryverywise! I will see trafficlights very differently from now on! The camp food was ohtooyum! The bunks were warmandcosy with hot showers! Clearly, the spirit of excellence, well done guys! Well, I didn't want to lash my frustrations all out here last week because, I know better my words borne out of frustration have the potential to cutburnandbleedyou, and so I resisted. It wasn't aBADandhorribleweek but a frustrating one because it was in part, things beyond my control and then coming to a (frustrating) realisation about a current (frustrating) state of being - mine. Thats another story for another day because I'm still figuring it out! Ha ha seriously, "I have had more trouble with myself than with any other (wo)man I have ever met" - ThankyouDwightMoody.

But first there was the dealing with 'false accusations' for the most of last week (I tell you, I've never been so ministered by a camp speaker until Gary, he's God-sent!) which I was and will be eternally pleased that I chose to walk away. And bearing mattheweighteenfifteen in mind, I could only bitemytongue and crytosleep! But with Gary ministering to me with his message on Integrity at YA camp (bonusbrowniepoints for a fantastic camp speaker who added a sentimental touch to the camp), I'm standing as firm as a rock knowing He is please with me even when people aren't. Already I daresay I honestly don't care too much about what people think of slash feel about me because most of the time you (and your words) don't matter enough because you don't knowknow me. And people have the tendency to think they know me better than they actually do! Truth is, I used to be a super private person who talks and write in riddles to ambush my closetsfull of deepdarks, ohdearme. Ha! Whats more dangerous than an unpredictable person is definitely a super private person. You will never know whats going on behind their minds and facades, it eventually becomes a tiresome pursuit of attempting to (mis)understand them.

I think humans are by default private beings because our basic understanding of the world is one that is dangerously judgmental and until you develop a positive self-identity entirely detached from the judgment of the world, the pursuit of being transparent is near futile. That is why the bible teaches us to learn to leave the judgment to God and as His children be transparent and accountable to one another. (Again, this was something that was collecting dust at the back of my head until Gary ministered to me and got it re-activated.) One fundamental reason why I am still writing in here after 4 years is to train myself to be open, transparent and vulnerable to people! I resent it when people start formulating unrealistic understanding of me because I do have many shortcomings which are W.I.P and I don't think they should and can be hidden! Ha! If you know me, you know that I don't hide -- but that doesn't mean that I don't get misunderstood based on human judgment...I'm just glad its over especially after a lovely girlsnightout and stayover with thebestfriend who made yummy breakie of salmonANDmushrooms (!!!) bruschetta along with fried juicy eggplant for me (:

And as I wait
I rise up like an eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love

(Thanks to whoever (Ade or Ben?) who worship-led PowerofYourlove at YA camp, it was my moment of ministry with the HS!)

"The possible magic of a goodnight kiss at the front door.."

but

"..A bad kisser is non-negotiable!"

-sexandthecity (:

Well, if you don't already know, I am (still) a sexandthecity girl, winks. I'm pleased that tonight I had some genuine jan-time to plunge in my red vintage couch and indulge in SATC! SATC often leaves me mindboggled, I like. And how theres always a bit of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha (not quite Charlotte) I can identify with! I don't think I'm cut out for journalism should I ever consider that career option but I'm still keeping the possibility of a foreign/sports/travel/IR correspondent career open. Especially if I do marry some heavily overpriced footballer (haha!), I will just give all his excessant money to missions while myself go into an abovementioned career in the name of fun! Ahwell. SATC tonight reminded me of my first spinthebottle when I was terriblethirteen! (with a bunch of ACboys! yayayarrr I was that species of SC girls who parties with ACboys in my first highschool year *cringes* hey supernewcreation now!) I was kissed thrice the first party by theSAMEguy (how uncanny!) who shall remain unnamed! Then there were sevenminutesinheaven and truthordare (Ohdear, howsupersinful!) I will be horrified to play any of those now! Oooh I want to watch thedevilwearsprada and macbeth (and her 'unsex me'!) Eversince I started my internship at PDI, I had to sadlysurrender Nova-ing on fivedollarsmonday BUT I shall give myself a treat next Monday after work at sevenfiftymondayevening for a Nova-marathon, before returning to my suburb home to hibernateFROMpeople for the rest of the week (:

Whoaa..I don't know where I found the courage to ask my lecturer halfway during the lecture today, whether he could extend our JapaneseBiz essay dateline twodayslater (from 3rd to 5th Oct). He thought for a splitsecond and then he said YES! (((: The Commerce students were stunned! But thats what anArtsstudent is made of, wink. The lecturer was going through the essay guidelines and the thought of extension was just roaming in my head and then...I just spoke my thoughts! PraiseGod I wasn't evicted from the lecture theatre but instead favoured! Heh. The extra twodays are superprecious to me. Granted that I'll come back from Adelaide on the 1st Oct, I will now have 2 more days to finetune slash edit my essay but first I gotta aim to complete it before I leave on the 24th! Now I can go for AUG with more PEACEinmyheartANDmind ha ha ha I'm uber looking forward to AUG now because I need to getawayfromalltheYoke. Going for a movie with A (I'm increasingly like a 'kajie' to him!) tonight to mark midsemhols' arrival!!

//Don't just tell me what it means to pursue a victorious living, show me.

Thats it, I had enough.

MSN is too high-maintenance for me and I should have gotten down to this way earlier than today but. I've finally deleted my MSN account. So, as of today 130906, neither isetstandardsATgmailDOTcom nor january1AThotmailDOTcom would be in existence. Please kindly delete them off your list thankyouverymuch. And I vaguely remember her deleting her ICQ account (9795852 I still remember!) some three years ago, some things just don't change it seems.

Cute? I don't think so.

Its funny, I'm just not the social butterfly people often think I am.

(will write more on that laters, ten.am morning class, IWANTtoSTUDY, bah)

There is a positive correlation to my stress level and the amount I write in here. Blogging has been and will always be the outlet where I can effectively deposit mystressedside which explains why I always appear very chirpy in the public's eye. (chirpchirp.) I get over things very quickly, including stress. On stress though, I just read a very disturbing article about young doctors taking their lives due to the inability to tolerate the stressful demands of their mad med career!

I think doctors shouldn't marry doctors (as much as stats reveal otherwise)! While the whole thing about understanding the nature of each other's job is good, but practically, after a marathon shift, the last person you want to see is another stressed-out doctor. While you are happy to thrash out whatever grievances you have at work to your other half, I doubt you'd want to hear about their similar grievances and then throw this 2personspityparty! I just don't think thats very healthy for the relationship or for the individual! It would drive both parties nuts! Of course, there is the opposite end of the spectrum where the doctor-couple can share the joy of the similar professions! But seriously, I don't think it requires another doctor to understand the joys of the doctor profession ei? That probably explains why many of my friends who've got doctors-parents where the mother gave up her medical career for the relationship and the family, how tragic?

In short, I think variety in a relationship is good, nuff said.

SO FREAKY! I was looking at the YA camp list that lovelyRach sent out and I was stunned to see that 90% of the campers are the pastANDpresent peopleINmylife! My walk with Christ since I committed my life to Christ in Melbourne begun with a year in ISM cell, then 2 years in OCF cell and now coming to a year in LG. So of the 40ish campers, I've got my three generations of Christianfriendsgroups in Melbourne - ISM (Alvin, Amy, Doris and Joel aka JoanneLee's bro! I actually met JoanneLee through Joel 3 years ago but later Joanne also became thebestfriend's close friend, see how it links?) + OCF + LG - insofar ALL my three cell leaders from ISM (Alvin), OCF (Jixiang) and LG (Ben) will be at the camp! Its like people from all over my life - past and present - coexisting at a very point in my life! Okay I know I'm not the most articulate now because I'm feeling absolutely weirdOUT! Ha ha.

You know I have this theory slash conviction that the preciouspeople you meet in your life are not a coincidence but you are destined to meet them REGARDLESS of where you choose to go (or not go) or what you choose to do (or not do).

I used to lament on how it was an absolutely big mistake to have chosen to go to AC and that was definitely not His perfect will for my life yet at the same time it was also at AC that I met mygorgeouslittlegreen who is now one of my bestgirlfriends! AC wasn't littlegreen's first preference either. For 2 years we've always wondered how else we could have met if we both didn't wrongly choose to come to AC because we both had extremely different pasts and just not a single common friend in our lives and neither could we see how our lives will intersect! Lo and behold, when I was going out with my then-boyfriend later, I found out that he and littlegreen are familyfriends of some sort since their primary school days! It was the same with mybestfriend in SC who is a year my junior but it also turned out that her brother is my primary school classmate!

I guess, all these got me seriously thinking and increasingly convicted about building purposeful relationships with the people I've met and am to meet. They are not a coincidence but destined slash God-purposed...and He is indeed the director of all human relationships on earth simply because people matter to Him.

KimiRaikkonen is going over to Ferrari next season (following Schumi's retirement)!! Man, that gotta be the biggest F1 shocker this season! It will be so odd supporting Ferrari next season, quite funny to be on the same side as Glendon after being longerheads in F1 since forever! Ha ha. I wonder who will race alongside Alonso at McLaren, very likely Montoya. I'm going to miss supporting McLaren!

I'm quite shattered not being able to watch the reds play the (other) blues this weekend! ): I'll be hiding out at Mornington for YA camp and can only do my little part by praying reallyreally hard! My beloved pool (and thelovelyTimCahill who scored the opener against us) broke my heart last weekend when Everton sank us 0-3! I'm super looking forward to taking my britishboy cousin (he's only 11 and supports pool too!) to watch pool play at Anfield before we move to StanleyPark. I think it was myliverpoolkhaki Lacresh who told me to go and kiss the grass at Anfield before it shuts down ):

I received a mail frm the UK yesterday! (I'm surrounded by many highly important documents recently and rather jaded from filling forms after forms!) It was from ScotlandBadminton asking if I would be keen to work for them during the SudirmanCup next June! (I think my friend Hilary who works in ScotlandBadminton must have passed on my contact) Perfect timing isn't it? (: And I get to have a free scottish kilt which is part of the official work uniform! Ha ha. I'll get to meet up with myverygoodfriend Mink who will be playing for Thailand! All-England will be in March, I'm planning to make a trip to Birmi for that! (Kimmie! Want to come?)

How on earth did the demons beat the saints (pun intended!) My colleagues at PDI and myself went into a heavy discussion on this topic before starting work yesterday (we had a quiet Monday anyway!) All of us had thought that the saints were going to win the championships this year! (Well, they were in very good form when I caught them thrashing the blues at MCG!) But JenL was really happy that her swans scraped victory by a point. (I love JenL, she can be really sardonic yet unoffensively so! In fact, everyone in my department are self-proclaimed DramaQueens!) The magpies were slain by the bulldogs too, there goes Collingwood's fairytale run this season. Hmmm I think I'm taking Adelaide to seize the title this season, drinks anyone?

I'm going to SmithStreet this Thurs to get my new court shoes from Adidas! Adidas is my favourite sporting brand of the season, it was once Fila together with dearVickiemei, we had like Fila bags and shoes and was contemplating on whether our badminton team should have Fila jerseys too! I was never big on Nike and have always resented the fact how every other sporting brand seems to be considered second class behind Nike..not! Though I'd admit they definitely took a head start in the commercial world, Nike has undeniably become a prominent player in the advertising industry. But times are changing! With the fresh appeal of ImpossibleIsNothing, good'ol JustDoIt is losing its flavour and personally, I'm still not over this year's WC +10 amazingadvert! Go Adidas!

All Day I Dream About Sports (:

While I was doing research at the lawlib last Sunday, I reached a conclusion that the lawlib is a good place to peoplewatch! Ha ha. A museum of prettyasiangirls and aussieeyecandies, hurhur! My eyes were surprisingly pampered when they (unintentionally!) spotted two really good looking angmohs studying at the lawlib and at the back of my head, thoughts raced, 'why do the guys in the Law Fac, in particular, tend to groom themselves?' Seriously, I can't think of another faculty in Uni where guys go that extra mile to look good in uni! (I was once told that engin guys, by their fourth year, come to uni in their pjs!) I don't like ballieulib, it is the most unconducive place to study and I get demotivated when I study there!

I've got superalot of work to do, both uniwork and work-work! This weekend has been devoured by YA camp and the next with trainings then AUG. Ohdear. You know, I really like to study slash mug, I consider studying slash mugging a hobby and its in my blood. Its the way I've been brought up and to be honest, I'm not ashamed of Singapore's education system albeit the stress and competitiveness, at the end of the day, I always find the pros outweighing the cons and I'm appreciative of what the system has contributed to my otherwise very punypeabrain. I want to get H1s because I know I have and I can but there's a really thin line that separates idolising it which I have to be very cautious not to slip back into the shoes of her. Anyhoo, I should hibernate from people next week in order to get my JBI essay completed before I leave for Adelaide! (I hope I don't forget to catch my flight! Meandmypeabrainess is shocking.)

Actually, I'm rather apprehensive about going to AUG because on the one hand I seriously have waytoomuchgoingon to be able to afford to take a week's break from my onetoomany commitments! On the other hand, I will feel bad for the girls IF *touchwood* someone gets injured during the Games and they have to pretty much forfeit the rest of the Games? As well as, a part of me do want to spend a bit more time with LMA (who is very dear to me!) especially if I should leave Melbourne for good in about 3 months' time. Many of my badmie friends are my firstfriends in Melbourne! Which translates to about 4 years old friendships (longer than most OCFers, whatthe!) Man, time really flies by me..!

oooookk I want to study!!

Ohdear I've been having a whole list of tenyearolds MSNing me very frequently eversince my lil bro gave my msn away to his classmates!

she doesn't think she is optimistic, she just grew immuned to wordsthatcut, fatefulrejections and the like - perhaps.

I like 1.5hour-long lectures, they are just nice! I find 1 hour-lectures often too short and more often than not, the lecturers' efforts to condense the information (overload) are veryveryfutile and most students end up not getting much out of these lectures! Conversely, 2hour lectures are often a drag and it is quite evident that students become restless after the 75th minute mark! By the way, I'm awaiting a MIRACLE for something related to my honours application which I ran into some problems with, so praywithme! It is quite exciting because it was God-inspired, grin, I'm going to do a MarilynSkinner!

she doesn't believe in BgrForums because couples will only tell of their fairytales. The spirit longs not to hear slash learn of sweetnothings but of the struggles of the flesh.

I think Nicole/Nicola is a very beautiful name. And girls with that name (at least those that I've met) are often the gregarious, bubbly and opinionated sort -- which I like! Think: NicoleMoreira! NicoleConner! NicolaChandra! And a few other Nicoles and Nicolas I've met at Uni (: When I was little, I've always secretly wished that I was called Nicole! Though as I got older (until this day), I would very much prefer to be an Erin! (don't ask me why!) And I actually have a fetish for unisex girls' names (like mine is!) favouritest being Shannon! Hmmm I will probably name my daughters -- Shannon, Erin, Eva...and Aysha (for my adopted Cambodian girl!) Strangely I've got nothing in preference for boys names! Though, like thebestfriend, I find boys' names that begins with Z prettycool! And I want to adopt a Thai boy too.

she gets genuinely awkward when kind words are offered to her in a group-setting, she prefers words just to her eyes.

Theappleofmyeye has left for Canada without saying bye!! ): But I'm so proud of her! He is taking her to her dreams! Moreover, I'm veryexcited to learn about who the Lord has meant for her to meet there! grin. And I was reflecting upon what was shared with me by a brother recently about how he actually considered pursuing me twoyearsago but when he sought the Lord, he actually heard a superclearandloud 'NO'! Like, don'ttouchher! heh, oh how He protects - i like! Eh not to protect me from the brother (he's a really good boy!) but to protect me from relationships which really scarred my life twoyearsago, ha! I'm so much more Ready and Stable today ie. identity, confidence and emotions guarded in and by Him! But I still don't think I know how to love very well and much..! ):

she wonders if you wonder,
just two beds and a coffee machine.

'ma, do you still think of 146?'

Although deep inside my heart I already knew she does and always will, it is a rhetorical question really.

'so many years already...never sit down and think like last time'

I'm beginning to find ma's broken english cute, she was Chinese-educated afterall. In my RebelliousAngstyPompous (RAP!) days, ma had to put up with my petrified-look whenever she tries to communicate with me in English and I used to put her down by correcting every sentence she says. And she will always reinterate how she regrets sending me to SCGS and should have forced me to go to NanyangGirls to continue being Chinesey-educated after 6 years of primary school education in a Chinese school.

'I remember last time my heart cannot take it everytime I think about 146...haih'

Ma heaved an exaggerated sigh and chuckles to herself silently. There is a comedian inside ma which I'm secretly fond of. But ma didn't mean that as a joke, not entirely. I know her heart still bleeds, because mine still does.

I will never forget that sobering night 7 years ago when ma walked into my room and told me to start packing my things because we are going to be homeless. Ma is not a very tactful person, she speaks her mind and her words often cut.

'Why?' I needed to know.

'Don't ask so much, you don't understand'

'Why you always so stubborn like a cow? We...have no choice'

And then the tears.

146 was ma's dream. Interior designing would be ma's second passion after teaching; she single-handedly designed 146, why, it was her pride. And mine too. I would always have friends over to feed my ego as they get charmed by my house. I don't think anyone will ever understand ma's pain when she had to hand the keys over to the new owner, I don't think she was present.

I used to be angry with ma because I thought she didn't fight for the sake of her children. Why would a mother allow her children to be homeless year after year? We started moving on a yearly basis because we could only afford to rent. We moved thrice in 3 years -- I always attribute my current flightyness to this part of my past! And I never had my own room which I learnt recently that ma actually felt remorseful about that. I shared a room with my brother until I turned 17 when I left for Melbourne. Neither of us were most comfortable with that arrangement but at least we both had a bed each, ma didn't. They made do with a queen size mattress on the floor and its funny how I never questioned why they didn't buy a bed. Love and care were just not at home I suppose.

My lil brothers and I went through a lot together during that 7 dark years and we each came out rather differently but the common denominator had to be how we learn that nothing in the world is constant, except God. I feel most sorry for Jiehui because in one year when we had to share this tiny room that had space only for one bed and so he had to take the floor, though we would swap once in a while, which was really rare. I'm blessed with two really good brothers whom I love to bits. When I went home one summer and I was told that Jiehui developed serious Scoliosis and needed to go for an operation, I remember balling because I believed that his condition worsen during the year when he had to take the floor for me.

Jiele will always be a blessing to ma because of his innocence when the dark years began, he was only 3. And just how ma feels she is redeeming her lack of parenting over me and Jiehui during those dark years now as she parents Jiele, she is giving her best to him. I believe Jiehui is not bitter about the past either, he has such a gentle soul, any girl who dates my brother will be ohsopampered! My brothers and I have very little possession eversince the homeless days. Strangely I don't remember very vividly the process of moving from one place to another, or the packing and unpacking. I vaguely remember living out of boxes because it reached a point where there was just no point unpacking. Ma always tells us not to hoard and by that I've learnt to see the housemovings a good thing, otherwise, I will never be able to reach the degree of flexibility I have today! All my 'possessions' are here with me in my bedroom in Australia, I have nothing back home, not even clothes!

God has saw us through the seasons! We have our own place now (still paying off the mortgage though but at least!) And ma bought a new bed just last year and both of my lil bros have their own rooms but. Thats only if I don't go home and truth be told, one reason I'm not inclined to move back home is really because I want my brothers to have their own rooms and to take pride and look forward to going home. Because when I was their age, I didn't. I always thought ma didn't care how I felt, that I was a girl who wants what every girl wants. Maybe she didn't, because she herself wasn't getting what every woman wants, either. Yet she chose to stuck through that 7 years, it was for us.

She is beginning to learn that, perhaps, what women really want is just God's love and blessings and nothing more. Ma has finally stopped having plain noodles soup with no ingredients because she used to give us her fishballs so we will have a tastier meal. And ma is dressing up and looking pretty again with the financial ability to spend on new clothes and facial products even though she already looks too young for her age! There is always a sinking feeling when I talk about ma because I know she has worked her life away for her kids. I try not to make ma angry because she is very short-tempered though quick to forgive due to her terrible memory! I think at the end of the day, if it takes all these to get ma experience the power of God's love, I would do it all over again.

But ma stopped designing, which I always feel is a pity. I think ma once told me she didn't want to design our current place because the less you invest into something, the less it hurts when it is taken away from you. She is content with just having a permanent roof over our heads. Butbutbut when ma's business broke-even a couple of years ago, she did spend some money to get our walls painted though the colours turned out not quite the way her high-taste wanted it but I remember us two salvaging the colours-mismatch by putting pretty wallpapers which was fun! And I went down to IKEA the next day to buy the cheap 3 for $3 wooden photoframes and hung them all over the walls with pictures of three of us when we were little! That made ma really happy, I think.

I don't have that made big dreams really, and some are still only weaving. But I know for sure one of them is to see ma design a place of her own again and I will work hard to make that happen!

hey! I re-strung my guitar myself!!!!! -beams- ha ha, cheap thrill to some of you, I know! But I seriously never thought I could do it myself! That was why I left my guitar untouched for nearly 6 months since the strings snapped! Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Very true for my case. I have to play for worship at Lifegroup this week since mydearBen rightly deserves a break after spending the week at Bendi for his clinics rotation. But there I was with a broken guitar...not anymore! Tralala, I'm glad I self-learnt something new this week! I really have a PASSION for learning slash studying especially learning new things! Its one of those things that keeps me going in life (: And I think to a large extent its true that I thrive under desperation. I remember one mentoring session with my bBM and we had to decide what inanimate object we can relate ourselves to and I chose a Teabag..

..because I may look like an ordinary plain jane on the outside, but really, put me in hot water and you will know how strong I am within (:

here i am to worship

is still my favourite worship song at the end of the day.

**

oh and i actually thought it was quite cute how we 'confessed' last night, like you said it, God must have found us very funny (and cute!) ha ha.

I think cell leading is veryverytough, thank God I've never had the calling to be a cell leader! (Rather, whenever the deadly opportunity comes, I'd already had another agenda!) I think JX is still my all-time favourite cell leader, I have alot of respect for his cell leadership style and I find myself inclined to think that his style is what I would consider the most effective in leading the youngandwild (ha ha) towards maturity. Suffice to say, I have equally much confidence in his 'descendents' (ha ha) ie. LW and I'm genuinely excited to see how POW-ers grow! Age is kinda an unsaid barrier in OCF's leadership climate...Truth be told, I was equally guilty-as-charged to entertain this climate, but I'm now a superbrandnew creation!

One of my greatest resistance from joining OCF three years was ago was due to my inability to reconcile with the fact that my leaders are all about my age! (Bear in mind that back then I was this little girl who struggles with submissionTOauthority! Not good!) My breakthrough from this yuck perspective came when I met theappleofmyeye's cell leader - sis JR - who's also only a couple of years older than me BUT when she takes on her cell leading position, whoa, you see the potential of a WomanOfGod destined for a special annointing in this ministry. Then I met bro JK (who is now going out with sis JR!!) and several others CHC's leaders who are all about my age, and that absolutely humbled yours truly to pick up HebrewsThirteenSeventeen and support my leaders wholeheartedly regardless of their demographics.

So as long as you strive to LIVE out the life of a leader and to be a role MODEL to your flock, to me, I see your potential which is extravagantly endless.

I'm very glad that by a twistoffate, I ended up in B's Lifegroup because I do like him very much! He is someone whenever I look at him, I feel absolutely plaguewithsin! Ha ha. He is just very...pure. And he exudes this sense of divine calmness and infinite wisdom whenever he speaks (like mydearJohnM! ha ha) and I can sit by B and listen to him talk for the WHOLE day and not get drained but instead, left wanting. Oh actually it has happened once, we set a RECORD at Lygon's KoKoBlack a couple of weeks ago being the longest-staying patrons they ever had -- they actually timed us! (I think it was only like 4 hours, which is still a distance to my usual 6hoursGFtime with thebestfriend or favouriteIPpartner!)

On the whole, I do feel very secure under B's spiritual leadership even though his cell leadership style is quite the opposite from JX's and it doesn't work as well for me. B is absolutely democratic while JX's cell leadership leans towards the more authoritative end, not one is better than the other, just different. And it so happens that JX's has worked better for me because after being brainwashed by HebrewsThirteenSeventeen, I like to be, to a certain degree, brainlessly told what my leaders expect from me...I'm the tellmewhatyouwant girl and I will give you my 101 percent. But of course, you gotta talk to me nicely, I'm a tough cookie but I don't bite and my heart is not made of stone (:

There is something beautiful about the sound of the rain. Like an alluring and mysterious symphony orchestrated by heaven, it gives a carrassing touch to the human soul. They say that there are days when you can hear the earth spinning and thats when you know you are alone. Maybe thats why I'm not afraid of being alone - I can eat, shop, go to the movies and theatres, travel the world all on my own and strangelysmitten by hellostranger - because small things like the sweet song of the rain and the fragrance right after, they tell me You are always near (:

Snuggled crosslegged on her bed with a Rum&RaisinHotChocolate in one hand of the bespectacled girl at eased in her oversized pjs, in the other hand, highlighters race through the pages of her weekly readings, none as bright as her sunshinesmile on a rainy Sunday as she resists the butterflies in her stomach aroused by the kisses of raindrops on her window pane, sheepishsmiles and the warmANDfuzzy feeling...

the lover of my soul, He's here.

there isn't a train i wouldn't take,
no matter where its going.

Recklessly spontaneous in the eyes of the world,
courageously flexible in the eyes of Yours.

Your grace is more than sufficient for me.

I am SO glad I went for Ben's get-backANDgo-away dinner! Oh the charmed life of a Mckinsey Business Analyst! I love talking to Ben because, even as sardonic as he can be at times (in the name of good fun!), he does give very insightful advice on careers. And he is a changed man after meeting Christine (?) I adamnantly pointed that out to him today and he knows it is true. Besides Ben's great chic, I was thoroughly impressed by Louisa (Shehan's chic!) and Tanya (DrBing's) and Gord's newlywedwife! And there is also DrMarlin (DrTerry's) whom I met couple years ago but they weren't there tonight! *satisfiedsmile*

On reflection, there is a heartwrenching amusement seeing how this bunch of guy friends who are the typical playfulwild semi-ABCs and who I'd spent xboxing and socialdrinking away at several Uni Games, they do settlesettle into their rightfulrole of the responsible mature men when they've chosen to date decent good girls! To me, one of the greatest indicator of the true state of heart of a GOOD man is not measured by the size of the paycheque in his pocket but rather by the kind of woman he has set his eyes on. There are still two VERY eligible bachelors - P and Z - who are very dear to my heart and I so believe by their charisma and fantastic personality deserve nothing less than a greatgoodgirl!

What a week it has been. There is really a balance in all things. Hanging out with this group of good'ols is a near perfect therapy to a week scalded by (rightly) distressed friends of the other race of Joseph! I can NEVER phantom how He works. Just hearing some good news tonight helped refocussed my mind - less inward-looking, more outward - we get burnt out because we are focussed on the doing and not the One we are doing for and coupled with our doing being all about the 'insiders' and neglecting the 'outsiders' makes the doing altogether fruitless and barren. I cannot express in exact words how He scooped me back into His loving arms today after a distressing week but the gist is this: I can see my harvest coming and I'm just blown away (:

THE ENEMY COMES TO ROB AND STEAL..!

I think you know that you are in the RIGHTandSAFE place with Him when words of rebuke don't cut you deep but gives you revelations instead (: I'm passionate about guiding my friends into recognising His voice and even more passionate about moving in the prophetic TOGETHER with friends. At a time when we have just started moving in the prophetic (twice in 2 weeks, grinnn, doesn't this friendship get you excited and on your toes with His voice? wink), of course the enemy is getting distressingly PANICKY. I'm a firm advocator of DEALINGwithISSUES rather than mulling and running away - even if its 8 months since (thats how scheming the enemy is when you leave issues UNDEALT) - I will get down and rid of any potential grounds which the enemy can stand and is standing upon to STEAL away what the Lord has graciously lavished upon us.

You know what, I'm going to turn it AGAINST the enemy because I know I learn from TheBest, watch.