//caught in your grace//

i never promised you a happy ending
you never said you wouldn't make me cry.

(the new space is cryptically this: the monochromic neighbour of venus is renting at the dotted community where alphabets are combined and ironed.)

moved (on).

[edit] If my smartandpreppy thebestfriend can't solve the cryptic clue, I doubt anyone else can!! Ha ha. So it is this.

She is perplexed by why she has not added him back onto her msn, it has been a year and a half. It is as if she still requires that very defensive mechanism to fend herself (or rather her heart) from him. She has never understood why or what about him is the heart attracted to? He’s not ‘her type’ and she doesn’t say that loosely or without a conviction, crossherheart. Now with that CambodiaCalling, it has been muchmuch easier guarding the heart from many, yet the head laughcryingly reminds the heart that a couple of his bestmates (whom she has been absolutely curious to meet) are Cambodian. She often hears of both girls and guys aggressively promoting the person he is and she has grown torn from all that knowing (and agreeing) the man of God he is, but yet. He just hasn’t been a very [insert friend-flattering word here] friend to her and it gets at her when she hears what it seems like the wholeworld had ‘met up’ and ‘caught up’ for a time of sharing with him but she

grew weary – but of what? Waiting or Trying? Or, both? She doesn’t believe she has any problems initiating catchups with her guy friends; she is not that kind of girl who holds that only guys can ask girls out. So maybe it isn’t even attraction to begin with. But perhaps, somewhere along this friendship, she has lost significance to a good friend; vaporised from a priority system; once selected now deselected, period. He is perhaps her only friend whom she feels the gap of an unequal appreciation at friendship level and she is not one with high expectations of friends to begin with. She doesn’t know if the head has been rationalising but she has concluded, or self-comforted perhaps, that he has deselected her from his sphere of influence especially from the day she relinquished (albeit unwillingly) the ‘official’ OCFer tag (though never the OCFer heart). She believes they didn't catch sight of each other at all last year nor was there a recognisable distance of a phonecall or a txt in 365.

So maybe this is why it has been frustrating in a way, knowing that the mutual-appreciation that was once there, could just evaporate with…distance? Did they lose respect for each other along the way of growing up and moving on? How then did they lose interest in each others' lives and of what God is doing? Didn’t this friendship really began some three summers ago when and because there aren’t many like-minded people who speaks and understands the way of the spirit? Maybe they’ve individually changed, but should that be a reason to stop caring? Each time she uproots herself towards a new beginning, she sits herself down to decide who to take along with her because the heart does not permit excess baggage either. It is often quite clearcut, as she scrolls down the phonebook thumbing delete, and seldom a head-heart conflict like this once when the heart wants to take this friend along yet the head doesn’t know how. And they say the heart has reasons that reason doesn't know.

happy birthday! your glorious sunshinesmiles are going to keep me warm in theGREATbritain! can't wait to see you love! remember you are my tough cookie ;)

Hmmmm I realise I’m getting increasingly perplexed when I engage in BGR (or the lack of) conversations. As in, I feel that I’m increasingly not able to understand why people worry or feel undertheweather by this issue?? I suppose I have come to understand that there is just so much more in and to life that the energies spent dwelling on the abovementioned issue can be eeeasily transfer to other areas in life. When people asked me ‘what am I busy with’ because I’ve always seem to have stuff going on – I find that a very strange question actually because I don’t think I’m busy per se but there is simply endless things one can get his/her hands on every single day – such is why I think 24 hours a day is not enough!!! Pick up a notepad and write a letter to a longtime friend. Make a little gift for someone special or just to say thank you. Read a good book by the beach or in the park. Learn a new language or sport or skill. Tidy your house! Cook! Volunteer at Uni, a home or hospice. And the list goes on and on..!

Perhaps I should thank God for giving me a super wide range of interests so I can entertain myself very well and never having to feel ohpoorsingleme! It would be such a lie to say that I WANT to stay single for the rest of my life (ho ho), I don’t entertain such a thought puhlease! I just firmly believe that there is inherently no need searching for love for love will find you at the right place and right time! Cliché as that sounds, I have learnt that the more you look for it the more you will not find it and its when you are genuinely at a state being so unbothered by it and realizing how futile it is to worry about it that He springs you a surprise package and then you get blown away by how ‘perfect’ everything is (: Its simply practicing pure patience! Its futile searching for love, but instead search for your destiny – I can surely say that you are not created just so that Ms X or Mr Y can have a partner – there is more.

We have to first examine our lives and see how it measures up with the life God intends us to have. Our first responsibility is ensuring we are on our way to fulfilling our God-given destiny and I will just say that there is endless ways to continually equip oneself towards that. I still think that meeting a specialsomeone is a sort of encouragement slash bonus slash reward that is not earned but freely given when He knows when you are able to handle it without compromising Him as your First Love. I consider it a crime if I were to treat the specialsomeone “better” than how I were to treat my bestfriends and my family, when it comes to important relationships, there shouldn’t be a priority system in essence (not until marriage perhaps). At the end of the day, I’m still very sympathetic (as much as I’m perplexed!) when I chat with others on the abovementioned issue because I’m constantly reminded of how I’ve been there, done that (oh young and foolish days!) and its really about making the choice to make Him the ruler of your heart (and emotions of course).